Hardly Legal Horror Adventure
by PikasPuma
Summary: The Coffee House Crew finds itself locked inside their favorite bar after hours- alone! But I'm pretty sure the building's haunted, and... I think they ran out of potato chips or something. But I'm sure they'll be all right. It's not like there's some crazy killer roaming the streets- Oh crap there is. Nevermind. They're all going to die.
1. Chapter 1

_"Good evening Sonic City. We interrupt your scheduled broadcast of the newest episode of Dirty Football Tournament to bring you this important announcement._

_ "As of nine o'clock this evening, Butch Killem, charged with mass manslaughter and several other murderous charges, escaped custody from the Eastern District Police Force. While he is known for beheading, mutilating corpses and other horrendous crimes, the Police Force urges that Mr. Killem has been doing very well in his rehabilitation classes and does not pose an immediate threat. However, it is advised that all citizens in the Eastern District and its vicinities maintain a curfew of ten o'clock in the evening and to dispose of any and all sharp objects in your possession. Police believe that if Killem has nothing to murder anyone with, then he is less likely to do so._

_ "Now before we return to our scheduled program, a quick recap: Jeremy is dating Stacey behind his bff Dustin's back, Miranda the heroin junkie is pregnant, there's a murderer running loose in the city, and Tom is in with the local gang. Good night, Sonic City."_

* * *

"Shadow."

_"Nooooo..."_

"'ey... Shadow...get up."

"$&amp;%* your mother."

"Shadow, wake up. We've been locked in here. Get up."

The hedgehog slumped over the bar counter groggily raised an obscene gesture, only to be promptly shoved out of the barstool by two pairs of hands onto the hard floor.

"Wha the *&amp;$# you &amp;#$%!" the slurring hedgehog spat as he flailed about the floor.

The android and hedgehog standing over the drunken black hedgehog wore stern faces towards him. Neo Metal Sonic glared at him and said, "We've been locked in the bar."

"Wha? Whas going on, why'sit so dark?"

"The barkeep locked up while we drank ourselves out cold," Haku Fukui, the shapely gray hedgehog who tapped her foot impatiently explained. "That reminds me, I'd better check on Lennie to make sure she didn't drown in the bathroom." And she was off.

"How many shots did you take?" the Badnik demanded.

The Ultimate Lifeform's eyelids blinked out of sync, as if he was a dazed toad or something. He rubbed his face and yawned.

"I'm guessing a lot of whiskey."

"Hmm? Where's...Lennie?"

A loud retching sound leaked from the closed ladies' room. Still oblivious Shadow cleaned out his ear with his finger. Metal made a sighing noise with his voice box.

"You breathers with your drunken shenanigans..." he grumbled.

_"You _drunkened the date," Shadow retorted, pointing at the pointy black nose with a squiggly grin across his muzzle.

"Noted. All right," the Metal Sonic said, standing back up, and dragging the black hedgehog to his feet. "You need to lay down a little more... let's set you down in the booth over there, okay?"

Once Shadow was snoozing in a booth Haku came back supporting a black haired hedgehog to another booth. The teenager wobbled and groaned as her friend guided her towards the other booth. "Just lay down over here, all right, Lennie?"

The girl's stomach churned audibly as she ragdolled onto the cracked cushions of the booth. Metal walked over to scan the sensitive digestive system of Selene Phoenicia. As his CPU made hums and clicks, the Oriental hedgehog turned toward the android. "She okay? She never seems to stomach a drink."

"She's fine. There's not much alcohol in her system, but her body deals with it much slower than you and Shadow's."

"Advanced liver technology," she dubbed it, raising her hands as if expecting applause.

"Well, let's let them rest for now. We can figure this out when they wake up."

Something from the back fell over, making Haku flinch. "What was that?"

"Probably something in the back room."

_"What _back room? Like the storage area?"

"Sure."

"You know what they say about this place?" Metal's computer beeped. "They say that a crazed maniac stuffed about five people into the fridge and chained it up so they couldn't get out."

"Five people at the same time?" Metal asked. "Or five people periodically?"

"Same time, in a fridge about the size of that table."

"Still alive?"

"Well, they squirmed and struggled and suffocated in there, denting it up and hurting themselves in the process. Before the old place shut down, the police found the fridge and the culprit, but not the bodies."

"They didn't find the bodies? How did they know about the crime?"

"The fridge and a confession. But he didn't say where he put the bodies. They searched everywhere, but there was nothing to be found...

"But they did neglect to search one place," Haku whispered, leaning towards Metal with an eerie stare.

"...this building?"

"This _building," _she hissed, eyes wide. Metal did not reply, even his computer stayed silent.

"Maybe you should have saved that story for Shadow and Selene when they wake from their stupor."

"I should've," she grumbled, then added, "But I am saving the foundation of devil worshippers for them."

* * *

After Shadow jolted up and toppled over a table as he crashed onto the floor, both hedgehogs were awake and able to comprehend their predicament.

"What? Can we get out?" Shadow moaned from under the table that had fallen on him after knocking it over.

"Not safely and legally, no."

"We're stuck here?" Selene asked, her groggy tone tinged with fear.

"Until whenever the barkeep opens up shop, I guess."

"What are the hours?"

Metal looked over to the painted white letters in the window. Monday thru Thursday, eleven am to one am. Friday thru Saturday, ten am to three. Closed Sundays.

"Aw -" Metal cursed. "The bar won't be open until Monday morning. He's not coming back until then."

Shadow jumped up, hitting his head on the table and slumping to the floor, and Haku's small ears perked up while Selene let out a tiny gasp as her head popped up from the booth.

"You mean- we can't get out until..." she faded away into short choppy breaths and she clutched at her neck. Her older friend vaulted over the bar counter and got to her side, calming the hedgehog down.

"It's gonna be okay-" Metal tried to assure them, thinking fast - "Look- there's probably some food in the kitchen- chips, at least. And plenty of water- Oh! Hold on-" The blue android ran over to the telephone at the bar and started dialling. Shadow began to slink out from under the table.

"What's up? Who you gonna call?"

"The barkeep. Maybe he's still up." The phone rang three times.

_"Hello... you've reached Mr. O'Madillo... Owner of the Rogue Armadillo Bar n Grill... Look, if this is about that 'ole "fridge-murderer" urban legend you should just hang up..."_

"It was his voicemail," Metal huffed as he hung up. "Crap."

"Maybe he'll come by tomorrow- he locked us in here, so maybe he'll come back for us."

"Let's hope."

"Hey! Call the fire department or something, Metal. Maybe they can get us out safely."

"Okay, nine... one-"

The phone line went dead in Metal's hand suddenly. "Uh-oh." The lights Haku had turned on flickered and died as well. Metal turned his lighting system on. "Oh, crap."

"Blackout?" Haku called out in the darkness.

"Nobody move," Shadow warned. "Metal? What was that?"

"The building's pretty old," he diagnosed. "Probably a problem with the breaker- I'll get on it."

"Meta-_ru! _Let me come with you," Haku called out, her footsteps shuffling along the floor, her voice hissing a curse as something bumped into her foot.

"What for?" he asked as they opened the kitchen door. "It's not like there's a crazy murderer running loose."

"Well..." she said, trailing off... "What if there's a jumper cable in the back room?"

Metal paused for a moment, then said, "Okay let's go."

* * *

The back alleys of the Eastern district were foggy and dark. The cold air ruffled Killem's fur. He needed something to warm him up... and there was nothing more stimulating than spilling blood to pump his own. But it was so quiet, not a soul in sight.

The sound of something powering up a few blocks down caught his attention. Power? Someone was up and about. With a grin, the Mobian turned in that direction, hoping that whoever just flipped a switch had an empty stomach, and a healthy, beating heart. He started to giggle thinking about it like a school girl.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm not getting a good feeling from this place, Shadow," Selene moaned. "I don't feel right."

"What's wrong- ah, _$%#*-" _he cursed as he tripped over a barstool. "What's the matter? Do you have a fever?" He put his hand on her skin. "You're _really_ warm."

"That's not my forehead," she huffed, removing and placing his hand on her head. "Try again."

"Oh... you're warm, though. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I feel like my brain's in a frying pan... It's like a slow cooker in my head." She started to wobble a little, nearly bumping into the unseen table to her right.

"It's probably cooler in the kitchen, where the fridge is. C'mon."

"I can't see, Shadow-"

"Where even _is _the kitchen- _OH-" _A brief curse followed by a screech fell like a cartoon in the darkness.

"Shadow?!" Selene cried out, frozen in place out of fear what happened to the black hedgehog. Sounds of something powering up announced the flickering on of the lights. The path around Selene was the same as before, but when she tipped over to the bar counter, she found a square abyss in the floor.

"Shadow?" she called out, her voice echoing down the hole. Silence, for a few seconds, but then she could barely hear grunts and moans from the deep.

"Urrghh... I'm down here," his voice echoed up. "Oooohhhff... I think I hit my head twice... Ughhh..."

"Are you all right?"

"Uhh... I think so... I feel like I've been hit by a truck..."

"What's down there? Where are you even?"

"I think it's the cellar... where they keep the drinks... ow! The barkeep must've left it open... hey... it's cool down here, Lennie. Maybe... I could- _urgh- _find some ice for my head..."

Selene jumped over the counter and looked around for a way down. The light over head showed some steps leading down... "Is there a light down there?"

"Give me... a second..."

* * *

"There," Metal said, shutting the breaker door and locking it as the power returned. "That should do it." The back room was still a dark, since the lights had been off when they had entered. "Can you see if the lights turned back on, Haku?"

_"Oi! _Metal!" He turned to see his girlfriend bent over rummaging in a box. When the rest of her torso reappeared, she was holding a newspaper. "Look, see? 'Man confesses to murdering five people in local restaurant! Police investigation underway!'" She smirked. "I told you it was real!"

"Haku, that newspaper is at least fifty years old," Metal buzzed as he snatched the article away from her. "And the ink is worn away, so there's no telling _which _local restaurant is the one was the crime scene."

"Well, this is one of the oldest buildings in Sonic City! What are the odds that it _isn't _this one?"

"It just so _happens _that the Eastern District is one of the _historically _older sectors of Sonic City. Brick-like construction and old urban legends galore."

"So what? Just because we're in an old building in an old side of town you're gonna write off my story just like that?"

"Until you can present ample evidence, yes."

_"Mou! _Where your sense of adventure, Metaru?"

"Pardon my high-intelligence, Holmes," Metal puffed, computers clicking, "but I'm certain that if there was a murder in _this _building, and the bodies are still missing, I doubt this place would still be operational."

"Police give up too easy! We can solve it! Better than waiting here for the barkeep to show up day after tomorrow."

"Haku, _please-"_

"Ah,-" she hissed a foreign curse, holding her head. "I need a drink."

"Really?" Metal sighed.

* * *

Selene tipped down the steps to find the dimly lit cellar. She rubbed her hands over her shoulders as the chill air stabbed her. She saw beer kegs and various wine bottles, boxes of yet to be stored alcohol... no sign of... "Shadow?"

"I'm over here," his voice echoed in the cold. "I found a walk-in fridge, and some ice." Sure enough, around the corner, and down a narrow hallway, Shadow's head poked out of a steel door.

"What are you doing?" She wondered, rubbing her arms.

"Sticking my head in ice," he said, before retreating behind the door into the fridge. Selene followed to find that Shadow was bending over into a tub of cubed ice.

"People don't want your fur in their drinks!"

"It's not like it's _toxic."_

"It's not like it _blends in, _either! Your black and red fur can't hide against _white ice!"_

"It's just for a little bit," he mumbled. "Until my forehead goes numb."

Selene sighed and turned before a loud _BANG _echoed down into the space. Even Shadow jerked his head up from the ice, ears pricked.

"What was that?" Selene let out in a puff of white air.

"The cellar door, probably," Shadow said. "I... hope it's not locked."

"Don't _jinx _it!" his pale companion shrieked.

Shadow shut the ice drawer and walked out of the fridge. "Stay there," he said, before running down the dim hall. Selene's cold ears could hear his shoes up the stairs, and then a muffled curse.

"It's not locked- it's stuck!" he explained, grunting as he tried to push the hatch open and not fall down the steps. "I can't- it must have warped-_urrrr!"_

"Don't hurt yourself again, Shadow!" Selene called, rushing towards the entrance. She saw the black hedgehog with his back against the door, trying to force his weight on the door. She climbed the steps up to him as he sagged on the stairs.

"I just need to catch my breath..."

"Shadow, it's no use- you can't shove the hatch open and keep yourself on the stairs- you'll fall again."

The hedgehog let out a cartoonish sigh as he deflated. "I didn't think we could be _more _trapped," he puffed.

* * *

Haku shoved a fifty dollar bill in the cash register as she started downing a bottle of vodka she found in the bar. She started to sit down on the floor, unknowingly on the cellar door, drinking the alcohol.

"Slow it down, Haku," Metal huffed.

"Where the %$#&amp; did Lennie and Shad scamper off to?"

"Probably the bathroom."

"Pssh."

Metal went back into the back room, on the hunt for a jumper cable. He sorted through dusty, cobwebbed boxes looking for the red and black cables.

Something caught his eye the third box in: a piece of paper, with red stains on it.

WE ARE WATCHING.

Metal let out a puff before calling out,"Nice try Haku. Buzz off." Then crumpled up the paper and tossed it into the darker corner of the room.

The next boxes held no jumper cables but the sixth one had another stained message.

DO NOT ANGER US

It wasn't funny the first time, it's not funny now, Haku, Metal computed.

Three more boxes later...

YOU WILL SUFFER FOR YOUR INSOLENCE

All tolerance for his girlfriend's kinky quirks and gags dissipated, and the Badnik's eyes glared red-hot. He tossed it into the air, formed his right hand into a gatling gun, and shredded the paper into pieces which, when settled onto the ground again, formed the obscene uncle of "buzz off." His computer started making noises that sounded more like growling than clicks and motors.

As he continued to search the box his eyes dimmed out as his anger before he found the elusive jumper cable at the bottom.

"Hallelujah!" he exclaimed, holding it up as if it was Excalibur, then started laughing in triumph, unaware of the remains of the warning combusting without a trace.


End file.
